i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
