Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
