I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
