my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
