Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want her autograph on my taint
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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