WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
