I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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