Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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