Where did you get a picture of my penis
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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