god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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