I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
