First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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