remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
