I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
