I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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