How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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