dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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