That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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