She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
