Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
