The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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