I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
