Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize