I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think my moral compass just broke
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
