you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
