My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
