I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
