I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
