why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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