got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
