Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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