I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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