I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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