It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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