Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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