I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
