Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
