Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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