He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
