Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize