Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
time to smoke my breakfast
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
