Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
