I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
