Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
