Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
