did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
