I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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