All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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