You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
