Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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