Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
