i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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