I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
