id be glad to
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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