Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
