is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
