I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize