All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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