Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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