I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize