9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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