I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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