You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
