i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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