My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
