She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
