i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He better not be in your backpack
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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