I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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